We finally did it. I didn’t want to. I thought I was better than that. But with one little slip of paper handed over to the pharmacist and one gulp and swallow by my little boy, we embarked him on a life that will likely include medication for the rest of his life. This drug is to treat his ADHD. The drug is called Gaunficin/Tenex and as my friend calls it – The Gateway Drug – for ADHD and spectrum kid. What is it a Gateway to I wonder?
The gateway I am hoping for is a calmer son, a less violent son. A son who hits me less. Of course I have the feelings of regret wishing I had been the one to bring tranquility to his life. But now I put my hopes in a tiny little white pill to do what my instincts told me for 6 years that I could fix with time, attention, hugs, and cuddles. But I couldn’t and nor could the OT’s and speech paths and psychologists and developmental pediatricians.
And so now, I hand over this tiny pill to my precious baby to ingest. This pill that was created in some factory but God knows who, God knows where. I am expected by put my hopes in THIS little spec of whiteness to deliver to us a son who no longer is tormented by behaviors that cause him and us so much pain. Talk about a bitter pill to swallow.
His eyes were so tired this weekend with dark circles under his eyes. There were many extra yawns as his little body adjusted to this assault on his over hyperactive self. He fought through the tiredness as best as possible, but did I notice something missing — his here I am to take over the world sense of being? Did I take that away from him? Is Dear God what have I done.
“What is this mommy?” I am asked. “Just some vitamins to help you grow strong,” I explain, I lie, I force myself to believe. “Why is Fiona (his sister) not taking one?”. “Because little boys like you need special vitamins.” That is true I guess. But it sure doesn’t feel special. It feels sad that those tired eyes and that tired body is working through a chemical reaction, sorting it out, as it messes around with his insides. He is perfect in my eyes. How much more perfect can a spec of chemical made by a stranger in a factory improve on that. I am told a lot.