It has been three weeks since we started my little boy on medication for his ADHD. Why does that sounds like the opening of confession? Forgive me father for I have sinned, I have been feeding my son ADHD medicine telling him it is vitamins.
I don’t know if it is working or not and will have to report on that when I know more but for the time being I shall go back into my mind to dig up a memory of Seamus as a baby when all this fun started.
When Seamus was born, he was 9 lbs 4.6 oz. I am a small person so that was very big for me. And he was delivered vaginally thank you very much. I was preeclamptic with him like I was with my first child. That meant bed rest for me 3 weeks prior to delivery.
You know, the thing about Seamus in utero was that I never felt him move. Never once. I mentioned that to the doctors but they said they heard his heart and saw what they needed to see in sonograms and so all was fine. Blind faith in doctors and priests is a dangerous thing. This lack of “sensing” him has haunted me since. Should I have spoken up more, gotten a second opinion, read more about it on line? Truth is, I trusted the doctors, and was comforted by the wisdom of older moms that all children are different. I didn’t know how true that would be in my life.
He got larger and larger in my uterus, and I got higher and higher blood pressure and voided increasing amounts of protein into my urine. Apparently that is a very bad thing to do. Basically, he was squished in a small woman’s womb and it was HOT in there. He came out into this world like it was a prison break.
I tried to nurse him soon after his birth but he gnawed on me something fierce. It wasn’t the sweet soft suckling of my first born, but rather a rough chewing. I had so much pain throughout my body from the delivery that I couldn’t inflict more on myself even if it was my son and his first feeding. Self preservation is a strong feeling.
When I held Seamus, he wasn’t happy. I would move about the room and adjust myself and he would scream and not stop. He was sent as often as possible to the nursery.
When we brought him home, I was still on bed rest as my blood pressure had not yet corrected itself. Eventually, my blood pressure came down and my husband returned to work and we were left on our own with the occasional helpful visit from a family member. I remember asking for someone to draw me a diagram of how I was supposed to pull off this mothering to two small children thing (Fiona had just turned 2.) Ain’t easy.
But real help came in the form of my husband’s mom Ingrid. She stayed with us for nearly 3 weeks and helped get us through one of the hardest times in life. She did the most wonderful thing which was to hold my new baby who I couldn’t seem to hold without making him scream. He justed wanted to be held, with no movement at all and I could not do that but Ingrid could. She had no where to go and no one to tend to other than this beautiful boy. She would hold Seamus for hours at a time while he slept on her arm that would go absoultely numb.
When she went home, it was me that was left having to hold my son which was something that was hard to do and hard not to do. I felt like making a prison break myself.
Still do sometimes. We all have to be held steady sometimes, huh.